Bah, humbug!

You know, I really want...

-happy sigh-

Just 7 more days. Sweet Jesus...Yes. = D

Who wants Harry Potter...when you can have Edward?

Unrequited Love

“I have been through a lot and have suffered a great deal. But I have had lots of happy moments, as well. Every moment one lives is different from the other. The good, the bad, hardship, the joy, the tragedy, love, and happiness are all interwoven into one single, indescribable whole that is called life. You cannot separate the good from the bad. And perhaps there is no need to do so, either.”


- Jackie O

Wham, Bam, No Thank You, Ma'am!

My first ever sexual experience was when I was under the influence of alcohol last December. On a couch. In a cold house. With a boy who I have known since I was 13. It wasn't romantic. It wasn't sweet. It was somewhat enjoyable, yet clumsy. I didn't lose my virginity, but it's the closest thing to actually doing the deed that I think I ever want to do again...until I find someone I really love. I remember thinking how disappointed my moms would have been in me. Not necessarily with him in general...just the whole situation. I was kind of careless. Which makes me a total hypocrite...especially since I'm so morally against people who don't know how to have safe sex or treat their virginity like it isn't such a big deal. I should have just made out with him and then went home. I don't even really talk to him anymore and I'm not even sure if I ever will again. It's not even about the sex. I told him I didn't want a relationship out of it, but it wasn't until he moved on two months later with some other girl that I realized, "Damn, you missed your chance."


But now, after months of thinking about it, I'm glad I didn't make it more than it was. Him finding another girl was a blessing. It was a hormonal hook-up (hehe) that would have ended horribly anyways. He's so immature and he's such a dick to his girlfriends. I'm simply just too good for him. I know my worth. I know what I deserve and what I deserve is a first time - one that will officially not make a virgin anymore - that is special and lovely.


For the past few years, I've wanted badly to lose my virginity. Out of all my friends, I'm the only virgin left. And when you're on the verge of turning 21, it appears that is a very rare thing. But now I'm starting to see the beauty in it. I've only been lured by temptation once and I don't intend to be again. Having my virginity is one of the last purest things about me. Most of my friends have said that if they could go back, they wouldn't have had sex. I don't want to be like that. I dwelled on that one night with him. I was confused about it for a few weeks and imagine my surprise that the next time I saw him, he had his arm wrapped around his new girlfriend in a very possessive way. Not for her, but like emphasis TO ME and I knew then what an asshole he was going to be about the incident. Which was weird and hurtful in a slight way.


I want someone who is going to want to tell everyone about me. I want to be introduced as a girlfriend. Hell, I've never even had a serious relationship. A huge part of me is VERY secure in being single. If I can't be confident in being alone, there's no way I'll ever appreciate being in a relationship. But a small part of me, longs for someone to hold hands with, to share Valentine's with, go out on dates with, send me texts just to say they're thinking about me and that they love me. Simple things. I can surely hold off on anything intimate and I'm going to need someone who's going to prove to me, that without a doubt, they are okay with that. I don't want to compromise my virginity on someone who doesn't respect me for it.


I don't think I've ever seen good relationships between people I know personally. Sure as hell not with my family and not even with close and personal friends. They're all muddled with drama and bullshit. Chaotic, filled with lies and turbulent histories. I know that relationships have their problems. Nothing worth anything comes easy. Love certainly shouldn't be any different.

Bucket List

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I’ve come to the conclusion that life is short. I don’t think that’s something that is incredibly unobvious or some top secret. But really, how many people live and truly do just that: live? Live their lives and go on and do magnificent and incredible acts. So many go about the day putting off things they want to do out of sheer laziness. Not getting things done. Not fulfilling dreams or wants. Well. That’s not me. Not anymore. There are so many things I want to do and I have never attempted to accomplish most of them. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a go-getter, but it was always my way of thinking that if something didn’t directly benefit me in a major way, I didn’t see the point. This way of thinking is completely idiotic. I should be doing things just for the simple fact that I can.

I have compiled a list of things I want to achieve before I kick the bucket - so appropriately called a “bucket list”. I will probably add to the list as need be and I will cross out things as they are done. I felt compelled to do so after seeing so many people do great and exciting things - things that quite personally I was either slightly jealous of or just incredibly scared of trying (rather that be from fear of failure or trying something unfamiliar).

Here goes:

I want to model for Torrid’s.
I want to visit Amsterdam’s Red Light District.
I want to make a donation to my former high school.
I want to donate to Locks-of-Love.
I want to see a Broadway show.
I want to re-decorate my room.
I want to get rid of clutter and junk from the house.
I want to have a large lower back tattoo.
I want to spend the Christmas holidays someplace warm.
I want to start my own charity to help others.
I want to take a dance class.
I want to learn to play poker.
I want to get an English degree.
I want to try sushi.
I want to go skinny-dipping.
I want to take a pottery class.
I want to meet a celebrity.
I want to live in a loft apartment.
I want to publish a book.
I want to live in Memphis.
I want to sing karaoke at a bar.
I want to visit Italy.
I want to visit all 50 states.
I want to go on a road trip for a month or two.
I want to be drawn into a caricature at some amusement park.
I want to sit on a beach and watch the sunrise.
I want to act in a play.
I want to be financially independent.
I want to buy a hot tub.
I want to learn a foreign language.
I want to learn how to ski.
I want to knit a scarf.
I want to spend a New Years Eve at Times Square.
I want to go to a Gay Pride parade.
I want to make a quilt.
I want to learn how to play an acoustic guitar.
I want to go to a Madame Taussaud’s Wax Museum.
I want to go on a crazy trip to Cancun.
I want to go England.
I want to become a mother.
I want to go to Japan and take a picture among cherry blossom trees.
I want to attend University of Memphis to study journalism.
I want to take a cooking class.
I want to move out of Union City.
I want to go snorkeling.
I want to learn how to surf.
I want to go to Graceland.
I want to have something pierced.
I want to attend a Dallas Cowboy football game.
I want to go to a burlesque show.
I want to go on a cruise.